It was the middle of the night, the first time you had hiccups. I giggled at the squeak. It was dark and your fuzzy hair was the softest thing I’d ever felt.
I remember your chest against mine, and how your head fit perfectly under my chin.
…. and thinking this is joy.
I read a lot of books on how to prepare for a baby. What to eat. How many lbs to gain. What to expect. The delivery. The placenta. Post partum tears. Episiotomies. Witch Hazel. Cribs. Nursing. And all the millions of things I thought I needed preparing for your arrival.
I knew what to do, I was prepared, or so I thought.
Holding you for the first time was the scariest and happiest thing to ever happen to me.
I was scared I would miss something after a longer-than-normal hospital stay and I wouldn’t be enough. We came home and I was on edge. A crazy happy looney newborn of my own sort.
I did not sleep when you slept, even though everyone counseled me to do so, I didn’t do anything except hold you. I couldn’t. I’d stare at you all day and watch you sleep all night. When you cried I got excited to hold you in my arms again and rock you in your room. I’d never been more excited to forego some sleep.
I wanted to watch you grow and crawl and play. Those first smiles melted any anger I’d ever held towards anyone. Your laughs made me want to be a better person. The first time you said you loved me, you made me well up inside and I knew this was the happiest I’d ever been.
You think you’re happy now sweet girl, and you are. But then they hand you this tiny person in your arms and the seams of your heart unravel. Slowly then suddenly your heart doubles in size. It came so naturally loving you. The feeling overwhelms you entirely and you feel as if you’re going to burst out of your chest. It’s truly indescribable.
So today I write to you, my beautiful daughter on this Mother’s Day:
You made me a mother. And I will love you more than anyone could ever try to.
I’d cross all the oceans in the world for you.
You will move mountains.
And make mistakes.
I’ll admire and beam during your highest highs and will love you more during your lowest lows.
I will always be a shoulder to cry on, a person to talk to, a friend, and your biggest fan.
But I will also teach you hard lessons, and I know you’ll think you hate me.
Have courage and be kind.
Don’t ever be afraid to speak up. You don’t have to be loud but you do need to be brave.
Not everyone you encounter will like you, and that’s ok.
Love yourself immensely because you are amazing.
the girl you made a mother
Shout out to the amazingly talented Erin K Photography, for these beautiful photos I will cherish forever. Find more of her work here.